Existential crisis

Are you tired of this boring meaningless world where all you can look forward to is the sweet sweet release of death, and do you think Earth is just becoming a little bit basic? No? You don't? So i've been thinking that for so long, and it's not normal? Oh, okay.

Anyway, for all of the people that do think that, here's how you can find a new home planet.

First, you need to find a nice and cozy place, where you are absolutely sure you want to spend the rest of your life, because you can't go back once you are there. Let's set up some rules.

• The planet needs to be habitable or take a minimal amount of work to make it habitable
• It can't be Mars, Elon Musk is stupid, read my article about that here
• It needs to be smaller than Earth because it's cool to have less gravity, haha high jumping go brrrr
• It needs to be less then 1 lightyear away

Let's start searching

Okay, so now that we have these rules, let's start searching.

Venus seems like a good candidate. You remove the atmosphere, explode some nukes to give Venus a nuclear winter, wait for it to warm up again, get some oxygen, and voila, the planet is habitable. Fun fact: colonizing Venus is actually easier then colonizing Mars! You know what they say: "girls go to Mars to eat candy bars, boys go to Venus to chop off their penis".

That's not the saying...

But there are a couple of problems. First of all, it takes months to reach Venus. Second of all, it takes hundreds of years to do this. So, here's what you:

1. Send some spacecrafts to Venus to do the work for you. 
2. Figure out how to do mind-swapping (my next article will be about that).
3. Freeze your body.
4. Upload your mind into a tardigrade, these little guys can survive in extreme environments and achieve immortality! Also, they live on your skin.
5. Be extremely unhappy inside the body of this disguisting animal.
6. Thaw out your body again.
7. put your mind back on your original body.
8. Travel to Venus.
9. Live there.

In conclusion:

Why in the actual fiddlefuck would you do this? Maybe living on Earth is the best choice after all.